You’re in Your Optimus Prime, So Own It!

decepticonAs I scroll dating site after dating site I find there is a common deception, done by both men and women alike. A con of all cons, that can cause somebody like me to pass you by in an instant. Your profile picture says handsome, debonaire, wise, dateable and then below we see, in large font, your “age.” In many instances I’m stuck second guessing my natural assumptions, “Maybe it’s just an aging photo?” “Maybe it’s the angle that makes him look older?” So I scroll through a few more until I realize that I have been Megatron’d!!!

For those of you who weren’t as nerdy as me growing up, Megatron was the founder of the… wait for it… DECEPTICONS. These were the bad guys in the fictional Universe of Transformers, where machines can transform themselves into other objects. When it comes to online dating the Decepticons have been brought to life right here on planet Earth where they are transforming themselves into younger models by uploading photos that make them look younger or they blatantly look 50 and say that they are 35.

Now you may wonder how I can link Transformers, a childhood comic/cartoon turned huge cinema franchise, into a blog about profile pictures and age. Well, I’m not quite sure but it’s worth a try.

Decepticons are the antagonists of the story who want to rule their home planet, Cybertron, so they created technology that allowed them to transform themselves into machines, automobiles and even animals. This allowed them to move about undetected and acted as their weaponry. The ‘Cons of our planet are the people who go online and pose as a younger version of themselves so that they may conquer a date and ultimately gain more power for their ego. Little do they know, us good guys who seek honor and truth, The Autobots, are not amused by their tactics and prompts us to “ROLL OUT” as this is a sheer sign a war will soon follow. Anyone who can lie about the simplest of things, like age, are capable of doing much more damage to our World.thatlookyoumake

I’m sorry sir/ma’am, you CAN NOT be 35 years old for 15 years. There is a time limit… ONE year to be exact. I didn’t make the rules! I’m just being that annoying kid that reminds you that you’re cheating at the game of dating and that your pants are on fire… you liar! Unless you came out of the womb with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, puffing a cigarette with the other, baking in the sun while laying on the banks of a radiation field, it is quite rare that you will look 15 years older than your actual age. Us Autobots are on to you. Your Dell computer scanned pixelated images, which could only be developed inside of a darkroom after the roll of film had been carefully removed from a Canon camera of the 90’s, also sends a red flag into the air so high it can be seen by your fellow ‘Cons on the planet of Cybertron. You remember the photo, it’s the one you had to retake because you forgot to slide the lens opener tab?

Some of you “punk-ass Decepticons” think that you can just place photos from 15 years ago “Well, I used to look this way and it’s me, so it counts.” It doesn’t! Picture it, cute little Bumblebee shows up for his/her date expecting a fellow Autobot whom he had wonderful conversations and banter with for a few days. He buzzes in excitement as he rolls up to the meeting place, only to have his suspension busted when he’s met with Shockwave. *See what I did there? Inserted another Decepticon character.

For you that cannot tell if someone is being a Decepticon and lying about his/her age, here are a few things to look at;

  • Look at the clarity of the photos and the age they say they are in those photos. Most people didn’t get the fancier digital cameras until early 2000. So if they were middle aged in a fuzzy photo, you can only imagine how old they are now.aol startup
  • Look at the ages of the kids in the pictures and then ask them how old they are now. If their kid is 30 and the photo shows a 6 year old… you’re on the brink of meeting a ‘Con!bruce
  • Are the more current pictures taken from far far far away and in Snow gear? Scuba Gear? Including the goggles? This should lead you to ask yourself, “What are they hiding?”

    Focus on the guy in the blue. He could be Decepticon.
    Focus on the guy in the blue. He could be Decepticon.

Message to the Decepticons: When uploading your photos, just remember, you are online dating to find somebody that you are compatible with. If you need to ‘Con someone into taking an interest in you, then it’s not a true and honest match. Look for someone who enjoys you for you. They are out there. Every wrinkle, every freckle and every year of wisdom that has been added to your life’s calendar, somebody will find it fits exactly what they’re looking for. Transform and Rise Up! You are in your Optimus Prime so accept it! imsorry

To those of you who have aged quickly, due to early onset grey hair or the ever so popular backward Case of Benjamin Button, I suggest you acknowledge it. I read one profile that simply stated “Yes, I really am 35!” That easy. But someone taking the time to address what could be your concern is important and then they are less likely able to use the excuse “Oh! The system must’ve messed up my age.”

So whether you’re rising up or rolling out, the dating battle awaits you and may you prove victorious.

Few beings think of themselves as evil. Many justify their actions as good, even if they are not. But if you believe the ‘good guys’ would not harm any life-form, then you may consider me a member of that team.” – Gears

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