So, How Is Tinder Working For You?

texting

It’s been quite some time since my last blog, but it was not without good reason. I have been dabbling in the ever so popular internet dating circuit. In my book, A Black Girls Guide to Dating White Men, I mentioned that I don’t like the idea of internet dating and I’d much rather meet people face to face. So in this 8 month adventure, I’ve decided to meet you internet lovers halfway by downloading an app on my phone and creating an account with the new and popular Tinder, Inc.

tinder

Tinder is a free app available for download on your iPhone or Android that launched September 2012. Once you’ve entered your Facebook login information, you are immediately available to the world for judging and possible love (?). But I’ll get in more detail about that later. Once you’ve set your account preferences, which I suggest you do first or else who knows what the system will suggest for you, the app then shows you potential suitors, one by one, based on geographical location, mutual friends and common interests. If the persons photo and/or age doesn’t tickle your fancy, you swipe left until you run across that lucky person that stops your thumb dead in it’s tracks.

To find out more about the person that caught your eye, you can open their profile with a single tap. Yep, I said it, you get to tap that! Hopefully the profile will offer at least four other photos and more information about the person. However, it seems many don’t get the point of creating a profile because sometimes you see two group photos leaving you to wonder whose profile you’re even looking at. Also, if you’re in Southern California prepare to see men posing with Tigers! I ran across this an incredible amount of times and the only conclusion I’m able to come up with is that there must be a book on the market that told these poor schmucks, “it’s a must have when internet dating.”

tinder-tigers

When you do finally see what you like, you swipe right. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll automatically get to talk to this person. You have to wait until that person also swipes your profile to the right. When that happens, you’ll get a wonderful alert; It’s A Match!! Then it’s up to one of you to start the conversation. This is where people start having a hard time with internet/app dating etiquette.

I’ve talked to some of my male friends who have told me that they never write the first, “Hello.” I also have female friends that believe the same. Even with cleaver reminders from Tinder like, “What are you waiting for? How long until you send a message? If you don’t ask, you will never know. What the F@ck are you waiting for?”  These connections could stay stuck “match limbo” for months until someone takes action or does their Tinder cleaning and deletes the other completely. I have many from 7 or more months ago, just waiting, as I don’t believe a woman should make a first move in this situation. Well, unless she wants to go on a date with a guy that has no balls. Moving on…

The other part of this story is that Tinder is VERY addictive! At first I took the time to read the profiles, but by the end I was swiping left so fast I would get pains in my thumb. All while humming Beyonce’s “to the left, to the left.” beyonce to the left Needless to say, I had been tinderly addicted! But having ongoing conversations with over 30 men started to occupy what little time I had. The first day I signed up I had three dates. One for lunch, one for dinner and one I met for late night drinks. Let me be the first to say that not all Tinder folks are looking to “hook up.” Many are seeking a relationship. You’ll find quite successful men on this app and have lots of fun! Therein lies the problem readers. I couldn’t stay focused. The men were awesome. But since I had so many choices, match numbers growing daily, nothing “real” progressed. I could have an insightful conversation with someone one night and forget about them the following day. I’m sure that went both ways, because there are just so many options. At a rate of 10 million matches per day, this app keeps it’s customers busy.

It wasn’t until a recent match asked me “So, how is Tinder working for you?” My response was, “Great!” And then I paused. It had been 8 months and I was still on this damn app with a steady pattern of; Left swipe, Left swipe, Right swipe, Date. Was it really that great? I had met exclusive worthy men who definitely fit the characteristics of what I was looking for but the problem was, I was unfocused and would remain unfocused until I could muster the strength to pull the plug. With this app it is easy to forget the guys/girls that you’re interested in, because you barely know them when you’re getting to know each other, just like you barely know the next five cool people. So everyone stays on an equal playing level. That mixed with your everyday life, dating A.D.D becomes common and you end up missing out on the person that you’d been searching for. The reason you signed up for the app in the first place.

Dating A.D.D

 

I don’t only speak for myself. I’ve asked a few more people if they were having the same problem. They didn’t realize that they were having a real problem until I mentioned it. One even signed off the night after our conversation.

A larger dating pool is a great thing, but if you’re allowing others to swim laps in between you and someone you should be focusing on, it’s time for you to get out of the water! If that person doesn’t work out, you can always dive right back in!

swimming-pool

Tools Not Required

Empty your tool box

Ladies… Empty Your Tool Boxes!

After the great response from women in agreement on my last blog about The Woodworkers, ex’s that show up out of the woodworks at the wrong times of your life and why, it got me to thinking about the tools you may meet while out on your dating escapades. A tool is an idiom many people use to describe someone used to carry out the designs of another; a dupe. Many times they are carrying out what they think society determines to be cool in what they wear, where they work and in how they treat women.

After spending the many years researching for my book I have met some fabulous men, as well as many tools. The key is to spot them for what they are before they have a chance to embed themselves into your toolbox. Let me introduce them to you. Keep in mind: Some tools can and will transform into other types of tools over different stages of their lives.

 

The Hammer

The Hammer

The Hammer is the guy that spends majority of the time trying to pound every woman that he sees. He thinks the higher number of girls that he has nailed, will make him cool. As you know, the hammer is the most common tool found in the average home… and the average woman. You find him at clubs buying the drinks, in the workplace offering raises and in hollywood cleaning off his casting couch. If he approaches too hard with promises of a perfect life, the moon and the stars remember, as good as it sounds, after he “hits it” those dreams will be shattered.

 

The Screwdriver

The Screwdriver

The Screwdriver is the guy that calls so much, you realize that he’s a bit screwy! His steady persistence starts out as a flattering ego booster and quickly turns more into an annoying form of stalker-esk behavior. When you find that it’s been a mere 30 minutes and he’s already inquiring on why you haven’t called him back, throw him out! Remember, screwdrivers are easily replaced with the multi purpose butter knife which is simple and easy to use.

 

The Leveler

The Leveler

When first meeting The Level you think he’s really into the idea of starting a relationship and his bubble is steady center between the two markings showing that he’s balanced. Then as things start getting serious, he gets nervous and that bubble that was once centered is now seen at the other end of the tool. You try to steady him out with confirmations and support but before you know it, you see that bubble bouncing back and forth. Before you know it, your arm gets tired of trying to straighten him out. This guy isn’t so bad, but I suggest looking for the Laser Level, he’s quicker to balance and saves you an arm ache.

 

The Monkey Wrench

The Monkey Wrench

Have you ever dated a guy that has wanted you to carry them around through life? They are latching onto your business deals, asking you to guide their life and eating all of your food while they are at it. These are The Monkey Wrenches. Not only are they needy like little household monkeys, these Ceaser wanna be’s ruin your future by throwing a wrench into your life. Since Monkey Wrenches are used for the car, get them out asap before they drive you bananas!

 

The Measuring Tape

The Measuring Tape

We have all been impressed once or twice in our lives by The Measuring Tape. The guy that measures so well in that certain area that you deal with more crap than you would with any other tool. This guy has a way of making you forget why you were upset with him and the standards that you once had for yourself. Every time you try to put him back where you found him, you end up clipping him to your hip instead. You can’t get enough. Although it may seem that nobody will ever measure up in that area, your life’s goals and expectations for yourself should. Put it away, because The Measuring Tape just may cut you. STEP AWAY FROM THE MEASURING TAPE!

Now once you recognize that these types of men have no place in your life, it will leave space available for the good men that you’ve been looking past due to your addiction of collecting tools. The only thing that these guys are good for is building nightmares. As a woman, you have no choice but to go through the toolbox, one by one until you find what you are looking for. Which will inevitably and hopefully lead to an empty toolbox meaning that you are centered, complete and happy with yourself , leaving you free to choose what you want in your life instead of having to continue through the succession of tools.

Ode to the Hypocrite

hypocriteSummer of 1998, I exited a Target store with a guy I was seeing at the time. “Hey, come over here and talk to me,” a guy said standing with a group of friends. I looked over to see a group of five black males with sagging pants and backwards hats as they kept tormenting with their taunts. I immediately looked at my guy, a small-framed white guy from the suburbs who started to get angry. By the squint in his eye and the clinching of his fist, I could see that an altercation would ensue. “Just get in the car and don’t worry about it”, I said. I was the first black girl he had ever dated, but he was not my first white male. I had been here before. As we drove off, I discussed the rules of survival when interracially dating. Rule #1 being, Ignore and Move Forward.

Being a black women with an affectionate eye for melanin deficient males, I would like to say that I have done my part to fulfill Martin Luther King’s infamous dream. Most of my life I’ve been the victim of the curious stares and discriminatory statements that were directly related to my dating preference. Majority of the complaints of my interracial dating had come and continues to derive from black men, which one would initially assume. The kicker is that these are black men who openly date white women.

I have received stares of disgust from men while they are holding the hand of their white girlfriend. I don’t know where in the rhetorical Rules of Being Black it states, “black women stay single and wait for a black man, even if an amazing white man is interested in you. All the while, black men, do as you please.” Unfortunately, many black women feel this stigma and remain “True to our race”, finding themselves alone.

I remember sitting in my journalism class waiting for the teacher to arrive.  The guy in front of me was a muslim named Jihad. He was a dreadlocked, black pride shirt wearing, black history enthusiast dedicated to teaching anyone and everyone around him about the wrong doings of white people. He would spout dates, names and judicial cases like they were his ABCs.

One day Jihad decided to turn around and tell me that he had been watching me around campus and that my dating white men was equivalent to me dating the devil. We debated throughout the semester until, finally, we agreed to disagree. He then showed me a picture of his beautiful nine-year old daughter who was biracial. I remember looking at him in utter confusion and then asked, “Why in the hell can you date outside of your race and I can’t?” His response, “Because it’s different.” This simplistic answer, from someone that always had so much to say, showed how ignorant a man could be. And as I grew older, he was not the only black man to stand strongly behind that statement. Of course without any clarification of what it actually meant.

As Americans, we have overcome a lot of historical barriers in regard to racism. The fact that blacks and whites can now be married is one of them. In the last forty years, the US Census has reported a steady increase in interracial marriage.Mostly Black male/White woman unions. So the last person I need to cause me grief in my quest for companionship is a hypocritical black male.

I urge black women, as well as any other woman, to open their options in finding a mate and not continue to be stuck in limbo waiting for a person of their same race. You may find yourself waiting a lifetime when your perfect match was right beside you the entire time. There are no rules to this life and if there were it should solely be; love and be loved, all else will fall into place.

 

Know Your Foreign Honkey by Kiwi Jim

 

BlackWomanTravelFor many African American women, the wider world appears to be a daunting place. Sadly for many it also feels unobtainable. Yes we are in 21st Century but there are historical, financial and racial barriers in the US that have prevented many African American women from expanding their relationship horizons. But once you ladies realise that large amounts of foreign white men find African American women amazing, further that, many other cultures may well be more relaxed about interracial dating and relationships, then things get a whole lot rosier. Thus I had to agree with the sentiments voiced here by ‘Armywife’ on Yahoo answers.

I was in Germany for 6 years and I met plenty of German men, or French men that were married to former service members that were black women, and vice versa. The whole world is not obsessed about colour the way we are here in America.

While the above comment is obviously aimed at men from continental Europe, I suggest the reader start out with native English speakers from Commonwealth countries and branch out from there. The more confidence you have with us guys outside your zone, the more confident you will be meeting white guys from more exotic European destinations. If you haven’t bumped into him on the street, the internet is a cheap and easy way of going about meeting us foreign white stallions. Further, if you strike up a good rapport on the net who knows? You could end up splitting the cost of travel 50/50 or hell he could be nice enough for you to pay and visit or he could come and see you.

But don’t pop the cork to soon sisters. Stella hasn’t got her groove back just yet!

Take Advice From One

The big problem is American’s geographical skills. Not to mention their knowledge of the outside world is, what we call in New Zealand, ‘shit house’. Sadly, African Americans have also been victims of believing the world is the USA and that “We are the World” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9BNoNFKCBI).This benevolent yet naïve world view has not made the U.S the most popular of countries in recent times. So here’s my first piece of advice:

  1. Shut up! If you have not done so, I advise educating yourself about the planet and perceptions of the U.S before you venture forth. It’s often very daunting for U.S citizens to comprehend, but it’ll increase your knowledge and you’ll avoid being ‘that’ American of cliché. Learn elementary geography and linguistics. For example, “I like people who live in English” was one of the more used comments I encountered when I visited the land of the free. So for starters, English is a language. Great Britain which consists of Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and of course England, where ‘English’ originated. As you know, it is the dominant language spoken in the United States. But it’s also the dominant language in Canada, The Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand, which are also its other major hubs. If you really want to jump in at the deep end, read Maureen Jenkins excellent blog about the importance of ‘sisters’ understanding the History and social mores of places like France or Italy(http://urbantravelgirl.com/2009/08/09/black-women-traveling-abroad-learn-a-foreign-country%E2%80%99s-social-mores-customs-before-you-go/). This respect, I might add, goes for anywhere anyone should travel.

  1. This might sound odd, but save yourself the heart ache of assuming every white guy will dig you just because he likes Black women. Don’t assume every white guy will find you attractive. You may look like Beyoncé or Niki McElroy but there are guys out there who may like larger physiques, like darker skin tones, hair styles etc. Endeavour to find out about the preferences of your white men where ever they may be. This isn’t stating shape up or ship out. We all have preferences of what we want and you, the reader, are no different.

 

  1. Be a friend first and let the relationship develop. Don’t be a dick and fall in love after one chat (that goes for anyone). Chances are that due to distance and circumstance, you may never actually meet any one designated person. But if you know a few more lads from different locales, your chances increase. So go ahead play the field. Enjoy the friendships, enjoy the flirting and what happens, happens! If just if, he turns up right away, well, that’s a wonderful bonus.

 

  1. Black American culture (or the world’s skewed perception of it) is universal. The oddest thing however, is that very few people have actually met African Americans. Fewer still have actually met African American women (which is a real shame). No matter where you visit, you will still attract attention simply because you are not the sort of person seen or heard regularly in far flung places like Australia and New Zealand. Stares, however, do not denote racism or disapproval of you. In fact it’s likely the opposite. Don’t be too sensitive about it. Have fun with communications. With one or two polite words, you’ll generally have folks eating out of your hand. Just be prepared to answer the same questions a few times (http://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/thread.jspa?threadID=814354).

 

One of the downsides to popular culture is the use of sexual imagery. In certain places around the world, some cultures have developed a skewed view of African American women. Rap lyrics and all manner of music videos often haven’t helped the situation. I’ve heard numerous first hand instances of Asian men in China, Japan and some parts of India rather innocently refer to black women as ‘hoes’ and men as ‘niggers’ in an effort to impress upon their African American visitors how much they ‘dug’ them. This is unlikely to happen in Australia, New Zealand or elsewhere, however I’d advise one think about the Plane route they take to these or other enclaves of white masculinity.

 

  1. While they say it’s the skill of the magician, not the size of the wand. White guys are most definitely hung enough to satisfy any cravings. Yes, as Niki and other African American females who have dated us have been at odds to point out.

  1. As for a sense of humour, most non-American European males take the crap outta themselves. They also don’t generally take offence at racial terms describing themselves. In much the same way as others may do. My friends and I have honestly laughed our asses off when we have heard racial remarks. Hell, I describe myself as a Gringo, Honky, Cracker, White Trash and worse. Now while I don’t advise going around the place saying this stuff to every European you meet, depending on the context and environment, they are surprisingly kosher and humorous terms. But our indifference to all manner of slurs may come at a price. A small few may fail to realise how offensive some terms may be to others, in particularly, after some beers. So iron out these sorts of issues in the getting to know you, period.

Meeting us Foreign Honkies Online

In Niki’s book you will find all manner of tips about meeting white guys. What to do and what to say. My advice with meeting foreign white guys online would be to give everything a go. Free Dating sites are pretty useful and all manner of countries have them. Interracial dating sites may be even better. Sadly very few have much of an international component and most cost. My internet advice is essentially similar to Niki’s advice for social interactions and dating. Think about what interests you may share with a white guy and go to that forum, site or networking page. It’s those interests, not your colour funnily enough which will hold your relationship together. Just take precautions as per usual, always get photographic evidence and definitely try web-camming. I know this has all kinds of connotations to it (most of them slightly dodgy). But I’d do it just to figure out if this dude is the real deal. Further don’t send anybody money.

In all of this the key is be safe, cool, learn, have fun and don’t run before you walk. I’d also advise reading the comments after this piece. Oh and hassle Niki if you ladies want more of my foreign Honky advice and opinions.

Till next time,

Kiwi Jim

Top 10 Ways to Get A White NBA Player…. For Black Women!

 

VLUU L210  / Samsung L210

 

 10. Know which tall white guys are actually NBA players. You can never assume just because the guy is over 6’2” he making millions. (Sorry to bring attention to you guys that have been using your height as a booty magnet)

 9. Find out where your local white ball player frequents. They typically have their favorite spots in to hang on their home turf. If you like one that will be visiting your town find out where the black ball players hang. Guaranteed you’ll find a white slang throwing baller with them. (White ball players hang with the black ones. There’s no racism in basketball. Well unless you are one of the two with the initials of D.S)

 8. Learn Serbian, Turkish, German or Spanish as only 21% of NBA players are white and somewhere around 15 of them are actually from America. That said, be willing to shut your mouth and make a damn sandwich when he asks.

7. Straighten the sam hell out of your hair, use whatever chemical needed. Whether it be lye, Thioglycolic Acid or ammonia leave it on as long as you can. So, you’ll suffer a few blisters and scabs on the scalp, nobody will see those, they’ll just see the beautiful flowing hair. Note; if your hair isn’t down to your mid waist… GET A WEAVE!

6. Let him know that you’re okay with infidelity! I mean unless you plan to pull a Jackie Christie, hit all of the away games and put the smack down on any woman giving your man the goo-goo eyes, including his mama, be prepared to live a life in denial. Who am I kidding? Be prepared to live 10 years in denial, scream “CHEATER”, file for divorce and then take half.

5. Learn to be the best stalker ever. “Oh, that’s funny I’m running in to you again. Hehe! Must be fate” *Show big beautifully veneered smile.

4. Be a skinny and in shape broad! Get fat AFTER the ring!! *Only jumpoffs are allowed to be “thick”.

3. Make sure your boobs are big, round and firm! If you don’t have em’, buy em’!

2. Don’t go in the sun! Stay as light as possible. As a matter of fact go catch Vitiligo, it’ll better your chances.

1. Read my book for a step by step guide to dating white men.

 

In all honesty, it is rare for the white men in the NBA to marry a black woman. Mostly because many stem from other countries and end up marrying someone from their home turf or someone that resembles that. Shout out to Jessica Olsson and Dirk Nowitzki on their recent engagement. I’m glad he gave sistas another chance after that first con artist wreck that he was engaged to. Good luck to you both!